We’ve all done it.
You’re late.
You’re frustrated.
You’re probably hungry.
And suddenly you’re unleashing a tirade:
“Seriously? Must you move at the speed of a continental shift?”
But here’s the question:
Are you actually angry at them?
Or are you angry that you’re late?
Because those are two very different things.
What, Exactly, Am I Angry About?
Anger is useful.
It’s information.
It tells us that we’re dysregulated and feeling some kind of way.
Are you actually “angry”? Or are you frustrated, anxious, embarrassed, overwhelmed, or something else?
The problem isn’t our feelings.
The problem is that anger doesn’t always come with a neatly labeled target.
So we pick one.
Usually, whatever—or whoever—is closest.
Your kid forgets something important?
“You never listen to me!”
Your partner makes a mistake?
“You are so irresponsible.”
Someone cuts you off in traffic?
Okay, fine…
I’m not saying I’ve ever had a deeply personal disagreement with a complete stranger in a Toyota Prius.
Sometimes the person really is the problem. Sometimes their behavior is inconsiderate, irresponsible, hurtful, or just plain unacceptable.
But sometimes they’re simply standing next to you during a sucky situation.
And if we don’t separate the two, we can end up fighting about the wrong thing.
So… PAUSE.
Ask yourself:
Did they actually do something wrong?
Is the situation actually their fault?
Or is it just a frustrating situation you weren’t expecting?
Or even…
Are you mad at yourself?
Once you figure that out, you can choose your response.
When the Person IS the Problem
Okay fine… they messed up.
Let’s figure out what the actual issue is.
Was it intentional?
Were they deliberately being hurtful, dismissive, dishonest, or malicious?
That’s different from making a mistake.
Unhealthy (and passive-aggressive) response:
“Clearly you don’t care if we’re late.”
Healthy response:
- Identify the actual emotion you’re feeling.
- Identify the specific action that led to that feeling.
- Identify its actual impact on you or the situation.
- Communicate the feeling, behavior, impact, and when appropriate, a specific request.
“I’m really irritated [feeling] that we’re running late [impact] because you hit the snooze button four times [action]. I need you to get up when the alarm goes off [change] when we have somewhere to be.”
Did they have all the information?
Did they know what you needed, expected, or wanted? Or are you angry because they failed a test they didn’t know they were taking?
Your alarm goes off. You’re up. You’re almost ready.
Your partner? Sound asleep.
You’d talked about where you were going and what time you needed to be there. But nowhere in that conversation did anyone do the math to set a specific departure time.
Nobody was malicious.
Nobody was ignoring anyone.
Nobody was deliberately being inconsiderate.
You simply had a different understanding of what needed to happen.
Unhealthy response:
“Seriously? How are you still in bed? We needed to leave!”
Healthy response: Same steps…
- Identify the actual emotion you’re feeling.
- Identify the specific action that led to that feeling.
- Identify its actual impact on you or the situation.
- Communicate the feeling, behavior, impact, and, when appropriate, the specific request.
“I’m really frustrated [feeling] that we’re running late [impact] because we didn’t set a departure time [information gap]. Next time, I need us to make sure we’re clear about what time we need to leave [request].”
Did they try?
Maybe they made an honest effort and it just didn’t work out the way you wanted?
Your partner knows you need to leave by 8:30.
They know you’re going somewhere important.
They even set an alarm.
Except…
They set it for PM instead of AM.
There was no snooze button involved.
They tried.
They just… spectacularly failed.
Unhealthy response:
“Are you kidding me? You can’t even set an alarm correctly?”
Healthy response: Same steps…
- Identify the actual emotion you’re feeling.
- Identify the specific action that led to that feeling.
- Identify its actual impact on you or the situation.
- Communicate the feeling, behavior, impact, and, when appropriate, the specific request.
“I know you tried. I’m just really frustrated [feeling] that we’re running late [impact] because you set the alarm for the wrong time [action]. Next time, can you double-check the alarm before you go to sleep? [request]”
Notice the bonus? Empathy.
They tried. They probably already feel bad about it. They may even feel frustrated, too.
Frustration and empathy can co-exist.
Or is it a pattern?
Maybe this isn’t the first time.
Maybe it’s the fourth time this month.
Your partner knows you need to leave by 8:30.
You’ve talked about it before.
You’ve asked them to get up when the alarm goes off.
You’ve had this conversation several times before.
And yet…
Here we are. Again.
At this point, the issue isn’t really the alarm.
It’s the pattern.
Unhealthy response:
“You never listen. I don’t know why I even bother asking you to go with me anymore.”
Healthy response: Same steps…
- Identify the actual emotion you’re feeling.
- Identify the specific action that led to that feeling.
- Identify its actual impact on you or the situation.
- Communicate the feeling, behavior, impact, and, when appropriate, the specific request.
“I’m really frustrated [feeling] that we’re running late again [impact]. This keeps happening even though we’ve talked about it several times [pattern]. I need you to find a way to make sure you’re actually up when the alarm goes off [request].”
It’s important to distinguish a mistake from a pattern.
One mistake may be just that—a mistake.
But when the same behavior keeps happening, even after you’ve talked about it, it’s become a pattern.
You’re no longer dealing with “what happened.”
You’re dealing with “It keeps happening.”
Rather than keep having the same argument about the same behavior — address the pattern.
Maybe while you’re driving to the party, you can strategize on solutions together.
We Have a Situation
Sometimes nobody did anything wrong.
You can be frustrated, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, or anxious—and there doesn’t have to be a person to blame.
Same morning.
You both get up on time.
You even leave on time.
…and then traffic is the one moving at the speed of a continental shift.
Nobody did it.
Nobody failed.
Nobody needs to be held accountable.
The situation just sucks.
And yet our brains really, really like a target.
So what happens?
We start looking for one.
Unhealthy response:
“Why didn’t you take a different route? We’re going to be late!”
Suddenly, the situation has become a person problem.
So… PAUSE.
Did they actually do something wrong?
Is the traffic actually their fault?
Were they supposed to know that some teenager was more interested in taking selfies than paying attention to the road this morning?
Sooo… why are you barking at your partner?
Let’s go back to our healthy response steps:
- Identify the actual emotion you’re feeling.
- Identify the specific action that led to that feeling.
- Identify its actual impact on you or the situation.
- Communicate the feeling, behavior, impact, and, when appropriate, the specific request.
Except…
Sometimes there is no behavior to address.
There is no request to make.
There is no person to hold accountable.
There is just a situation to deal with.
Maybe It’s Personal
Okay.
You’ve asked the questions.
Did they actually do something wrong?
Was the situation really their fault?
Was there an actual impact?
And maybe the answer is…
Not really.
But you’re still angry.
Really angry.
So what the hell is going on?
Is it possible you’re triggered?
Something about the situation—or something the other person did—hit an emotional nerve.
Maybe your nervous system is remembering that time you got detention for being late to class.
Maybe you’re feeling the same anxiety you had when you missed curfew.
Maybe you’re afraid your friend will reject you or think you’re a bad person because you were late.
The current situation may be relatively small.
Your reaction may not be.
That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real.
It means the intensity of the feeling may have less to do with traffic or your partner and more to do with what being late means to you.
Your brain says, “If I’m late, something terrible is going to happen.”
But you cannot control traffic.
Or alarm clocks.
You’re helpless here.
But your nervous system doesn’t particularly care about that distinction.
Helplessness can show up as anger.
And your partner (or the guy in the Prius) becomes the target.
But sometimes, the anger we’re directing outward is actually coming from inward.
“Clearly you don’t care if we’re late.”
→ “If I’m late, people are going to think I don’t care.”
“Seriously? How are you still in bed? We needed to leave!”
→ “I should have made sure she got up on time. It’s my fault.”
“Are you kidding me? You can’t even set an alarm correctly?”
→ “Mistakes are unacceptable.”
“You never listen. I don’t know why I even bother asking you to go with me anymore.”
→ “Why do I keep expecting people to show up for me?”
The words were directed at someone else, but the underlying messages were about you:
If I’m late, I’m inconsiderate.
If something goes wrong, it’s my fault.
I must be perfect.
People will eventually let me down.
Those core beliefs were likely formed long before this particular argument.
So maybe your partner messed up.
Maybe they didn’t.
Your nervous system doesn’t care.
You were triggered.
Period.
So, Who Are You Actually Mad At?
Before you decide who deserves your anger, take a second to figure out what you’re actually angry about.
The person?
The situation?
Or something in yourself that the situation just poked?
Sometimes the person really is the problem. Sometimes the situation just sucks. And sometimes, something old got stirred up and landed on whoever happened to be standing closest.
The goal isn’t to stop being angry.
It’s to make sure your anger is aimed at the right thing.
Because you can’t solve the problem if you’re fighting the wrong one.
