You know what word can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
But.
The moment it shows up, everything that came before it can feel negated or minimized.
Phrasing things in a way that allows BOTH truths to exist can be the difference between conflict and communication.
Example:
“I love you, but I’m really angry with you.”
This is a big one — especially for people who struggle with abandonment, or who grew up in environments where anger meant punishment, silent treatment, rejection, or other forms of withdrawing love.
If you’ve learned that anger = disconnection, hearing “I love you, BUT…” can make it very difficult to actually hear the “I love you.”
So how can we communicate both?
1
Use the word “and” instead. (Even better — emphasize it.)
“I love you, AND I’m really angry with you.”
The emphasis makes it clear that both things are true.
2
“Also”
“I love you, and I’m also really angry with you.”
“Also” reinforces that the second feeling doesn’t replace the first.
3
“Even though”
“I love you, even though I’m really angry with you.”
This makes the relationship between the two emotions explicit: My anger doesn’t cancel my love.
4
Depersonalize
“I love you, and I’m really angry.”
Notice the difference? You can express your feelings without it seeming like an attack on the person.
5
Define timeline
“I love you, and I’m also really angry with you right now.”
“Right now” communicates that this is a current emotional state—not necessarily a permanent one.
6
Use a period instead
“I love you. I’m really angry right now.”
Sometimes the simplest way to keep one truth from swallowing another is to give each truth its own sentence.
When “BUT” still applies: Reverse and Re-affirm
When the word “and” feels grammatically clunky or unnatural, there are still options that allow both things to be true.
Try:
“I’m angry, but I still love you.”
“I’m really angry, but I do love you.”
While these still use the word “but,” they allow you to express your anger while making sure the last thing they hear is reassurance that your love remains.
The goal isn’t to eliminate the word “but” completely.
The goal is to stop using it in a way that one truth erases the other.
Because you can love someone AND be angry with them.
You can understand someone AND disagree with them.
You can be proud of their progress AND need them to do better.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do in a relationship is make room for both.
Setting Boundaries
These concepts can also be helpful when setting a boundary with someone.
Examples:
“I understand why you’re angry, but you can’t talk to me like that.”
“I understand why you’re angry, AND I’m not going to tolerate you talking to me like that.”
“I understand why you’re angry. I’m also not going to tolerate you talking to me like that.”
“I’m not going to tolerate you talking to me like that, but I do understand why you’re angry”
You can acknowledge someone’s feelings without accepting harmful behavior.
Both can be true.
Talking to Kids?
“The things we say to our children become their inner voice.”
Whether we’re expressing co-existing emotions or setting a boundary, how we phrase these things matters.
The words we use can have a tremendous impact on how they see themselves, shapes their worldview, and — most importantly — sets the bar for what effective, compassionate communication looks like in their future relationships.
Conflict vs. Communication
You don’t have to pick a side.
You can love them AND be angry.
You can understand them AND set a boundary.
You can be proud AND expect more.
Both can be true.
That’s not conflict.
That’s communication.
