In this series, we’ve talked about how the word “but” can disregard or minimize the words that came before it, and some strategies for holding two thoughts or feelings within the same conversation. We’ve also talked about the importance of separating the person from the situation when expressing anger or other difficult feelings. And last week, we talked about how emotion-centered communication can shift a conversation from blame to emotional intimacy — something that can strengthen a relationship rather than tear it down.
So now… what happens when you’re the asshole?
What do you say when you’re the one who hurt the other person?
What does real accountability look like?
How do you make repair when you’re the one in the wrong?
Hard to Say I’m Sorry
(If you’re a Gen-X like me, tell me you didn’t just hear Chicago in your brain.)
But really — giving a real apology can be hard to do.
Social norms have given us all kinds of ways to say “I’m sorry” that allow us to avoid true accountability. We apologize just enough to end the argument, smooth things over, or get the other person to stop being angry — without actually addressing the hurt underneath it.
Without taking personal accountability, the issue can continue to live under the surface of the relationship, and contribute to built-up resentment, even though you’ve “apologized.”
Many times, the words “I’m sorry” are less about repairing the relationship and more about making your own discomfort go away.
Common Types of Non-apologies
“I’m Sorry, But…”
“I’m sorry I yelled, but you were being completely unreasonable.”
We’ve already established that the word “but” can erase what came before it. Here, it turns an apology into a defense of the behavior by shifting the blame onto the other person.
This type of apology says:
“It’s your fault I yelled at you.”
Nope.
Not an apology.
“I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This sounds like an apology, but notice what’s missing: any acknowledgment of your own behavior.
You’re not saying, “I understand that what I did hurt you.” You’re saying, “I’m sorry you have feelings about the thing I did that I don’t want to talk about.”
Nope.
Also not an apology.
“Fine. I’m Sorry.”
“Fine. I’m sorry. Apparently I can’t do anything right.”
This one treats the words “I’m sorry” like a box you checked on your way to getting the argument over with.
It’s also passive-aggressive and manipulative.
It says, “I don’t think I did anything wrong, but I’m willing to say these words if it will make you stop talking about it,” while also trying to get the other person to comfort your own shame for messing up without having to actually admit it.
Nope.
Also not an apology.
“I Already Said I’m Sorry”
“I already said I’m sorry. What more do you want from me?”
This is a transactional apology.
It says, “I said the words. You heard the words. Please get this over with so I can stop feeling uncomfortable.”
Similar to “Fine. I’m sorry.”, this type of apology is about your desire to be finished with the situation, rather than making space for the other person’s experience or taking accountability for your actions.
Nope.
Also not an apology.
So What Is a Real Apology?
A real apology starts with taking responsibility for your actions.
Not explaining them.
Not defending them.
Not blaming someone else for them.
Owning them.
Name it.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
Not “I’m sorry things got heated.”
Things got heated because you yelled. Not the other way around.
Be specific. Own the behavior, not the situation.
Acknowledge it.
“I know what I said was hurtful. I got defensive rather than hearing what you had to say.”
This is where you acknowledge the impact of your behavior, not just the behavior itself.
You may not have intended to hurt the other person. You may not have realized in the moment how your behavior was affecting them.
Apology ≠ Agreement.
You can still see the situation differently than they do.
That doesn’t mean you get to dismiss their experience.
Now the other person can feel seen and understood. This shifts the apology toward connection and actual repair.
Change it.
“I know I need to learn how to listen, rather than getting defensive. I’m going to work on that.”
This is the repair piece — a commitment to do better.
However, you have to actually… change.
Depending on the history, especially if this has been an ongoing pattern, it may still take time for the other person to trust your apology. But making it clear that you also see the problem and have a desire to change is a solid start.
Bonus: Ask for support
“Can you do me a favor? Can you call me out when I start getting defensive?”
This not only reinforces your commitment to change the behavior, but it also creates an opportunity for future accountability and connection.
You’re essentially saying, “I know this is something I need to work on, and I’m willing to ask for help in making long-term change.”
That’s vulnerable.
It can not only reduce the frequency of future conflict, it begins to change the temperature in the relationship by making space for emotional intimacy.
A Real Apology
A real apology isn’t about finding the right words to make the other person stop being angry. It’s about taking responsibility for your actions and being willing to repair the harm they caused.
Put it all together, and it might sound something like this:
“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know what I said was hurtful. I got defensive rather than hearing what you had to say. I know I need to learn how to listen, rather than getting defensive. I’m going to work on that. Can you do me a favor? Can you call me out when I start getting defensive?”
You’re not defending what you did or asking the other person to make you feel better. You’re acknowledging the impact, committing to change, and inviting them into the process.
That’s an apology.
That’s repair.
